If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What am I supposed to do when my kid is losing it?”—this post is for you. Whether your child is screaming, hitting, crying, or completely shutting down, meltdowns can be overwhelming. It can be hard to stay calm. You might even find yourself reacting to your child’s tantrum with a tantrum of your own – yelling, withdrawing, making threats, or threatening consequences that you know in your heart you won’t be able to enforce. Those reactions are understandable – I mean, you have feelings too. Unfortunately, it’s likely those reactions are keeping you stuck. But here’s the good news – there are things you can do that can help. In this post, I review science-backed tips on how to handle a meltdown without resorting to punishment or threats.
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How to Handle a Meltdown Without Losing Your Cool
If you are anything like the moms I work with, then you’ve probably tried everything you can think of to stop your child’s meltdowns. You’ve probably done a lot of work trying to prevent them, too.
And I’m going to guess that you are getting pretty frustrated because it feels like nothing is working.
Of course you are frustrated – that is a lot of thankless effort and energy to spend. You just want your sweet, spirited kid to learn how to cope with stress without all the fireworks.
Reframing Meltdowns as Learning Opportunities
I know firsthand what a struggle it can be to figure out the secret code that will bring your child back from a meltdown. But here is something crazy I’ve learn from doing this work (both personally and professionally) – your child’s meltdowns are actually a good thing.
What’s that you say? I’ve lost my mind, you say? How in the %@$& are meltdowns a good thing?
Well, once you understand that meltdowns are developmentally normal and that they are opportunities for your child to learn the very coping skills you want them to grow up using, then you might see meltdowns in a different light.
Once you understand that meltdowns are developmentally normal and that they are opportunities for your child to learn the very coping skills you want them to grow up using, then you might see meltdowns in a different light.
A Frame Based in Brain Science
Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. (Rude.) So it’s quite understandable that you don’t always know what is happening with your child, or what to do with their behavior.
I can definitely relate. 😊
But over the years, I’ve come to understand kids and parenting through a really helpful lens – one that’s informed by family systems theory, neuroscience, attachment theory, and trauma research.
It’s been a game-changer for me and my clients.
And one of the major players that helped to shape my thinking on raising kids (esp. emotion regulation and tantrums) is Dr. Bruce Perry’s 3 R’s – Regulate. Relate. Reason.
This frame on the brain has helped me better understand how to help my child when they hit their emotional limit. And let me tell you, once you understand what’s at play with your child’s emotions and behaviors, it makes it so much easier to be there for them to help them through it.
The 3 R’s Brain Frame
This framework helps explain just what is happening inside a child’s brain and body, especially during a meltdown or threat response. The 3 R’s can help you identify what’s derailing your child’s metaphorical train, and what you can do to help your kiddo get back on track.
Regulate, Relate, and Reason is a 3 step process that helps you coregulate your child’s state to establish a sense of calm and safety. It involves techniques that help you handle the meltdown without threats, punishments, or yelling.
When you approach your child’s emotional overwhelm from a place of connection versus correction, you establish an emotionally safe environment. This not only helps them get to a calmer state, but also helps wire their brain to engage all parts in order to cope through the overwhelm and threat response.
3 Step Process for How to Handle a Meltdown
Before I break down the 3 R’s in more detail, and the techniques to use for each, it’s important to review some of the pitfalls of traditional discipline and punishment, and why they fall short during a meltdown (and beyond).
Why Traditional Discipline Fails During a Meltdown
Traditional or “old school” parenting advice focuses heavily on the child’s behavior. This approach sees “bad” behavior as a problem that must be eradicated.
This view of behavior is, for lack of a better term, superficial. What I mean is, it takes the behavior at face value. It’s built on the assumption that your child’s behavior is the whole story, and it’s either good or bad. And if it’s bad, it should be corrected or punished to make it stop. Recommendations for how to handle a meltdown are often centered around disconnection, abandonment, and punishment.
This approach relies heavily on punitive tactics to stop “bad” behavior. Tactics that incite painful feelings like guilt or shame. Some examples might include:
- “Use a time out if they disobey.”
- “Ignore them if they are having a tantrum.”
- “Take something away if they slam their door.”
- “Make them apologize right away if they call you a name.”
- “Hand out a consequence immediately if they are disrespectful.”
These examples use rejection, distress, and force to send the message that the behavior is not OK. While it’s important to teach your child about helpful and unhelpful behavior, shaming them into submission only creates more behavioral challenges moving forward.
Another problem with the traditional approach examples above is that they also send the message that the emotions are not OK. There is no understanding or recognition that the child has hit their emotional limit and needs help. There is no effort to connect, validate, or comfort to help them get calm again. (in other words, to model the very skills you want them to learn.) Instead, the disconnection works to shut down their emotions and leaves them to figure it out alone.
This kind of old school parental response may stop the behavior in the short term, but the negative emotional impact paves the path for more long term problems.
This kind of old school parental response may stop the behavior in the short term, but the negative emotional impact paves the path for more long term problems.
Meltdowns = Survival Defense Mode
Here’s the thing—when a child is having a major meltdown, their thinking brain is offline. They are in survival mode and their behavior is an attempt to deal with their emotional overwhelm and get safe.
They don’t have access to their cognitive brain parts where logic and information are stored (info like “the four thousand times you told them not to run into the street” or logic like “if I break my toy, I won’t be able to play with it“). The brainstem is driving the bus now, and it’s main goal is to get safe. It’s hard to reason with someone who can’t think straight and whose body and brain are signaling danger.
So not only do traditional discipline methods misunderstand the function of the behavior and invalidate the child’s experience, but they introduce additional threats to the child’s nervous system by way of things like criticism, guilt-tripping, and punishment.
These parental responses often perpetuate the child’s state of distress, which often results in more acting out. Throw a dysregulated, yelling parent into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for a nice, loooonnng meltdown. (By the way, no judgement here…I have been that yelling, dysregulated parent before.)
🫸🏻But wait, you might be saying, yelling/threats/punishment is the only thing that works. Nothing else gets their attention.
To that I say- I hear you. But let me also say this:
While a threat or punishment might curb the behavior temporarily (most likely out of fear and not empowered compliance), chances are good that they will repeat this behavior in the future. Probably many times. Much to your endless frustration. During a meltdown, the part of the brain that learns new concepts and skills is offline, so they aren’t able to learn anything new in this state. And so, they will likely go into survival mode (and act out) every time they hit their limit.
On the other hand, if you help them learn important emotion regulation skills through connection, coregulation, and techniques like the 3 R’s, your child will eventually learn to boot up their thinking brain and manage the overwhelm all on their own.
Using Love and Logic at the Wrong Time
But let’s say you don’t go the punitive route. You spot a tantrum on the rise and instead of correction or punishment, you calmly offer logical reasons for why your child needn’t be upset. You explain to them that if they don’t calm down, they won’t get what they want and they will be faced with (insert natural or logical consequence here).
Though logical and natural consequences can be helpful tools, and using calm reason with your child can teach them important lessons, employing them during a meltdown rarely works.
Even telling them you love them or scooping them into a hug may cause more reactivity if the timing’s not right.
If your child is in full meltdown mode, they are “lid-flipped”. (See Dr. Dan Siegel’s video on the Hand Model of the brain to learn more about your child flipping their lid.) That means their prefrontal cortex (the cognitive thinking parts of the brain) are offline.
They literally can’t learn, reason, or reflect in that moment. Trying to correct their thinking or teach them the error of their ways just escalates the situation—or causes shutdown.
So what can you do instead?
You can use the 3 R’s to gauge which part of your child’s brain is running the show, and respond accordingly with targeted, coregulating support.
How to Handle a Meltdown with the 3 R’s
I adapted the 3 step process below from Dr. Bruce Perry’s model of the brain and his 3 R’s framework born from his trauma research. This is a simple frame not only offers actionable tips on how to handle a meltdown, but it helps you stay calm in the process.
For all of the ins and outs on how to use this approach, grab a copy of my free comprehensive guide, How to Manage Meltdowns, by signing up here.
Step 1: Regulate – Calm the Body First
Regulation comes before everything. You can’t reason with a child (or adult) whose nervous system is in survival mode.
During a meltdown, your first job isn’t to discipline. It’s to help your child (and yourself!) feel safe again.
Try this:
- Lower your voice and your posture
- Breathe slowly and visibly
- Sit nearby without overwhelming them
- Say, “I’m right here. You’re safe.”
Your calm body helps regulate their dysregulated one.
This step might take 2 minutes—or 20. The goal is not to fix or stop the meltdown, but to help your child feel safe enough for their brain to re-engage.
Step 2: Relate – Connect Before You Correct
Once your child begins to settle—maybe they’re making eye contact or crying more softly—it’s time to relate.
Connection is the bridge between regulation and reasoning. This is where you emotionally validate your child before diving into problem-solving.
Try phrases like:
- “That was really hard, huh?”
- “I saw how upset you were. I get it.”
- “I’m here. We’re okay.”
This step builds emotional safety and shows your child that they are loved—even when they’re struggling.
Step 3: Reason – Reflect and Teach (Later)
Only after your child is calm and connected can you move to reasoning.
This is the part where you can talk about what happened, why it happened, and what to try next time.
This is where real teaching happens—not through fear or punishment, but through reflection and problem-solving.
Try:
- “What were you feeling when that started?”
- “What would have helped in that moment?”
- “Let’s make a plan for next time that big feeling shows up.”
Reasoning is how you build your child’s emotional regulation skills, self-awareness, and accountability—without shame.
The Magic Is in the Sequence
The more you and your child move through the 3 R’s, the more brain connections you help your child build:
- Regulate the nervous system
- Relate through emotional connection and validation
- Reason through calm, nonjudgmental teaching and reflection
Trying to skip straight to “reason” without regulation or connection is like trying to plant seeds in frozen ground—nothing sticks.
When you follow the natural sequence of how the brain works, your child can actually hear you, trust you, and learn from the moment.
Final Thoughts on How to Handle a Meltdown
The next time your child has a meltdown, don’t panic—and don’t rush.
- Slow it down.
- Start with regulation.
- Build the bridge of connection (and emotional validation).
- Then, once you’ve got a calm, regulated kid on your hands, move to reason, reflection, and learning.
This supportive, science-backed approach helps your child feel safe and seen—and teaches them how to handle hard emotions through support, not shame. They will learn how to manage big feelings and be in better position to make better behavioral choices for coping and responding.
You’re not failing if your child melts down. You’re succeeding when you meet it with calm, compassion, and understanding.
Need Help Navigating Meltdowns?
You don’t have to figure this out alone. I offer therapy and coaching services that can help you navigate meltdowns and more through therapy and parent coaching. Click the buttons below to learn more and sign up to get updates about my waiting lists.
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Let’s work together to help you respond to meltdowns with more calm, confidence, and connection.
🎁 Grab Your Free Guide: How to Manage Meltdowns – A Quick Guide for Moms
Want a printable resource you can reference any time a meltdown hits?
👉 Click here to download my free guide on managing meltdowns – it’s packed with practical, therapist-approved tips to support you and your child through the hardest moments.
Print it, hang it on your fridge, and use it as your meltdown survival toolkit.
You’ve got this. And I’m here to help.
