Does your child sometimes fall apart over something that seems like no big deal? Like a broken cracker, the wrong color cup, or being told they can’t have another cookie? These emotional outbursts and tantrums, often called child meltdowns, leave many moms confused and frustrated.
You might think:
“Why are they losing it over a cookie?”
“They were fine two minutes ago—what happened?”
You’re not alone in feeling frustrated about your child’s meltdowns. But know this – these meltdowns are normal and they are actually a good thing.
And here’s the truth: Your child’s meltdown is not about the cookie. It’s about everything that came before the cookie. Let’s break down what’s really going on for your child and what’s behind their meltdown.
*Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, including links to Amazon, and as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. I only recommend resources, products, and services that I adore and find to be useful. If you happen to make a purchase using one of my affiliate links, I will earn a small commission, at no additional cost to you. Read more about our policies here.
Using the “Emotional Jar” Metaphor to Understand Child Meltdowns
One of my favorite ways to explain meltdowns to parents is through the concept of an emotional jar. This metaphor comes from Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside (highly recommend!). Dr. Becky explains that your child’s emotional experiences can be best understood by imagining they have something called an Emotional Jar.
Imagine your child walks around all day collecting stress:
- Sensory overload
- Being told “no”
- Transitioning between activities
- Social frustration
- Hunger, tiredness, or overstimulation
Each of these experiences adds drops to their emotional jar. Those feelings are joined by other feelings too, like excitement and joy. Parents add to the mix by sending messages, either overt messages or more subtle ones, that “bad” emotions aren’t really welcome. So this means the “bad” feelings grow and take up more space in the jar because they aren’t allowed to come out.
By the time you ask your kid to clean up their toys or tell them they can’t have that third cookie, their jar is already full. That moment is just the final drop that causes everything to spill over.
Cue the emotional meltdown.
And it’s not your child being manipulative. It’s their nervous system signaling emotional overload.
As Dr. Becky says, “tantrums are biological states of dysregulation, not willful acts of disobedience.”
“Tantrums are biological states of dysregulation, not willful acts of disobedience.”
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Reframing Your Child’s Meltdown: a Tool to Stay Calm
It can be helpful to remember that children—especially toddlers and preschoolers—don’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for logic, impulse control, and emotional regulation).
So when they’re overwhelmed, they react with their emotional brain, not their thinking brain. That’s why logic doesn’t land and discipline in the moment often escalates things.
But it’s not always easy to see that what’s driving the acting out behavior is emotional overwhelm. And it can be so tempting to intervene with logic, or correcting, or even venting our own emotions at our child. But here’s the thing – if they are acting out or building toward a tantrum, then it’s very likely they are approaching their limit or they’ve already reached it. And once they hit that point, they need your help.
In order to help, you’ve got to bring calm energy to the space. So how do you do that when you are so unbelievably frustrated with their behavior? A reframe is a good place to start.
Remind yourself that your child is overwhelmed and, as Dr. Becky Kennedy puts it, they “cannot manage the emotional demands of [the] situation.”
Here are a few examples to get you started:
| INSTEAD OF THIS… | TRY THIS… |
|---|---|
| “He gets upset over the littlest things!” | “He must have hit his limit.” |
| “My child is giving me SUCH a hard time” | “My child is having SUCH a hard time.” |
| “She’s just doing this to upset me.” | “She’s doing this because she needs me.” |
This shift in perspective turns frustration into empathy—and helps you get to a calmer state. It gives you a much more effective starting point than operating from an assumption that your child is being manipulative or devious.
How to Respond During a Meltdown
Here are a few positive parenting tips for what to do when a meltdown happens:
1. Stay Calm (As Best You Can)
Your nervous system sets the tone. Take a breath. Ground your feet. Speak low and slow. A soft even tone will communicate and model the calm energy you would like your child to work toward. Low, slow, simple messages will help signal to your child that they are safe.
2. Offer Connection, Not Correction
When you speak to your child, use simple phrases geared toward connection and validation. Use a low and slow tone and cadence. Try things like:
- “You’re having a really big feeling right now.”
- “This feels hard. I’m here with you.”
- “You feel mad about that and that makes sense.”
- “I’m here if you need a hug.”
You don’t need to explain or fix anything in the moment. Your job is to co-regulate—to help your child’s body feel safe enough to settle.
3. Be the Safe Container
Meltdowns aren’t always pretty—but they are temporary. Just being nearby, breathing with them, and staying regulated yourself can do more than any lecture ever will. The goal isn’t to stop the meltdown in its tracks. That would be a missed opportunity for learning. The goal is co-regulate with your child so they can learn to self-regulate one day without you.
Remember – your child can’t learn to regulate a feeling they aren’t allowed to have.
When to Teach and Reflect: After Your Child’s Meltdown
Once your child is calm, that’s when their thinking brain comes back online. This is your window for reflection and learning.
You can say:
- “What was that like for you?”
- “What can we try next time when you feel that way?”
- “Do you want to draw or talk about it?”
This is where you build emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and trust—not during the meltdown, but after.
Final Thoughts: Child Meltdowns Are Opportunities
Even though they’re exhausting, child meltdowns are not failures—they’re invitations.
Emotional meltdowns and tantrums are a normal part of development that offer us the chance to:
- Regulate ourselves
- Model calm responses
- Help our kids build lifelong coping tools
The goal isn’t to stop all meltdowns. It’s to meet them with empathy and guide our children through them—so they learn to do it for themselves one day.
Need Help Navigating Meltdowns?
You don’t have to figure this out alone. I offer therapy and coaching services that can help you navigate meltdowns and more through therapy and parent coaching. Click the buttons below to learn more and sign up to get updates about my waiting lists.
Parent Coaching
🌍for moms everywhere🌍
Structured support and clear guidance to help you develop a parenting approach that works for your life and gets you the results you want.
Therapy for Moms
⚠️Pennsylvania only⚠️
Collaborative therapy based in self-exploration and healing to nurture relationships and connection-based parenting.
Let’s work together to help you respond to meltdowns with more calm, confidence, and connection.
🎁 Grab Your Free Guide: How to Manage Meltdowns – A Quick Guide for Moms
Want a printable resource you can reference any time a meltdown hits?
👉 Click here to download my free guide on managing meltdowns – it’s packed with practical, therapist-approved tips to support you and your child through the hardest moments.
Print it, hang it on your fridge, and use it as your meltdown survival toolkit.
You’ve got this. And I’m here to help.
